Love Marriages the Halal Way: Is it Even Possible?

How often have we heard the phrase, “Psst…they are having an affair” and reacted with a gasp and raised eyebrows? How many times have we predicted that a couple’s relationship would be short-lived just because it is a love marriage? And how many of us have done this while gobbling biryani at their wedding?

Unfortunately we all have done it, or at least have encountered someone doing it. This behavior is somewhat understandable as we belong to an Islamic culture that forbids unnecessary interaction before marriage between members of the opposite sex. This aspect of Islam usually gives it a very conservative and unyielding image. But then why does the new generation hear the oft-repeated phrase from their parents, “Beta let us know if you like someone”? Isn’t necessary to know a person before you find out if you like that person or not? And isn’t necessary that to know someone you need to spend time together? A when you are spending time together to know each other doesn’t it come under the description of dating?

Before the readers label me as “ignorant,” let me explain why I think that getting to know someone is the same as dating. Of course you can meet someone in a professional setting and fall in love with each other, without the side order of all the dating and flirting. This would be an ideal setting where two likeminded people meet for professional or educational purposes, and gradually realize that they are perfect for each other. And with their parents’ consent they decide to marry. This method of choosing a marital partner is permitted in Islam too. But wait. When the two individuals realize in their hearts that they are perfect for each other, obviously they don’t merely keep it in their hearts. Coy hints are dropped randomly, the conversations get longer and deeper, and the discussions get more personal, and would eventually switch from business project proposals to the marriage proposal. The two individuals no longer meet solely for the purpose of discussing work or study issues. Their intentions for each other have changed. The relationship is still in its developing stage as the two are still trying to fully understand each other, and to bring the parents in the picture at this point would be too early. So when the nature of the meetings change from professional to affectionate, doesn’t it become dating then?

Well the answer to this is complicated. And that is why we have so many misconceptions and myths about love marriages in Islam. It is clear that Islam  allows us to choose the right life partner, but to go about it in an Islamic manner requires a lot of care and good judgment on our behalf. In this day and age young Muslims are open to the idea of love marriage instead of relying on the age-old concept of aunties acting as matchmakers. Of course arranged marriages still work, and probably have a higher success rate than love marriages, but the decision of marrying someone is the most important decision in one’s life and obviously this decision should be made by both the mind and the heart.

Pakistani families in America often rely on close family friends to find the right partner for their sons and daughters. Usually there is always this one aunty that knows the whole community and is responsible to find the perfect match for all the singles of the community. Doctors, lawyers and engineers are like hot cakes; usually high in demand and ending up with the best catch.  This method is deemed quite respectable, as both the families are fully involved in the whole process of getting the guy and the girl married. But of course there are some “rebellious” kinds that would rather choose their own life partner. The funny thing is that is not usually their family that gives them the label of a “rebel,” but it is the hushed discussions amongst the community members that make them so.

When my non-Muslim friends ask me about my “dating scene,” I tell them that I don’t date. They often think I am joking and insist that I tell the truth. I almost feel sorry for them when I give them a lecture on Dating in Islam 101, and the sly smiles on their faces turn into solemn expressions. Usually the awkward silence is broken when one person says, “Oh, I see. I like learning new things!” The expression on my face is calm and complacent, but deep down I am struggling to understand the whole concept myself.

I am grateful for being a Muslim because I believe that Islam is a religion that liberates us instead of oppressing us with rigid principles. It has made our lives easy by shedding light on every possible issue in the universe. It has defined our rights and duties, so why is there is still so much apprehension about choosing your own life partner? Clearly this problem lies in our mindsets and lack of understanding of Islam. There needs to be a change in attitudes, and Muslim scholars should come forward and explain this concept to the younger generation. We should not continue to shy away from such topics as the lack of knowledge continues to stir confusion and baseless accusations.

I hope that I myself come to grips with this whole issue before the rishta aunty sets me up with one of her latest catches and I would have no reason to argue.